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Dear Deidre

I CAUGHT my friend having sex with my wife after a drunken night out together.

I’m 36 and my wife’s 34. We’ve been married for nine years and have a daughter aged seven.

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We went out with friends one night and a few of them came back for a nightcap.

My wife had been drinking quite heavily. She started nodding off so I sent her to bed. Our friends drifted off home, apart from one, an old friend of mine from school. He went to the bathroom while I started to tidy up. I suddenly heard a banging noise coming from my bedroom.

I opened the door to our room and saw my friend having sex, lying on top of my wife’s naked, unconscious body.

My wife’s arms were around him. I shouted at him to get off. My wife opened her eyes and they rolled back in her head.

I shouted again and my wife said to my friend, “You’d better stop.” He slowly got up and started to get dressed. He then walked out of the bedroom apologising. He said he didn’t know what had happened.

My wife couldn’t remember much the next day. She is embarrassed and ashamed but doesn’t want to go to the police.

She insists that nothing is going on between them. Meanwhile, I’m full of anger and rage.

DEIDRE SAYS: You’re shocked, furious and feel betrayed, and you can’t just brush this under the carpet. From the sound of it they were both very drunk.

If your wife was too drunk to give meaningful consent, it was rape clear and simple, but it is very common for raped women to feel somehow responsible, especially if they have been drinking.

If she finds it too hard to talk about this openly with you, urge her to talk to Rape Crisis (rapecrisis.org.uk, 0808 802 9999). I doubt your friendship is going to survive this but for your daughter’s sake it is important that your marriage does.

Get Relate’s help to work through all the feelings that have been stirred up. (see relate.org.uk, 0300 100 1234).

Haunted by dad’s fling

Dear Deidre

MY dad nearly drove us both off the road in a panic when I told him I knew he’d been cheating on Mum.

My sister found some texts on his phone five years ago and it was obvious he’d been seeing somebody else.

She was 20 at the time and I was 23 and we decided not to say anything to avoid upsetting Mum.

We then had a string of silent calls to the house. Mum answered the phone one day and this woman told her everything.

My sister said she’d been sleeping with my dad for a year and that he had given her spare keys to our holiday flat.

My mum told my sister and she confessed she’d known about it for ages.

Mum said they were too old for her to do anything and she wasn’t going to leave him – they’re both 64.

Dad now has cancer and the prognosis isn’t looking good.

I’ve always been a fairly dutiful daughter but we were arguing about something unrelated in the car on the way to the hospital and I bit back at him about the affair.

Some things had gone missing from our holiday home – I knew it was this other
woman – but Dad ducked and dived and had an answer for everything.

I feel so angry that he may pass away and not admit to Mum he’s treated her badly.

DEIDRE SAYS: By all means tell your dad you think he should say sorry to your mother while he still can but if they both find denial more comfortable, you need to let it go.

Nobody can truly know what goes on in someone else’s relationship and if your mother is trying to protect herself from more hurt, that is up to her.

Your father knows the truth and it is on his conscience.

It could help to talk your feelings through with Family Lives (familylives.org.uk, 0808 800 2222).

My man has a secret family

Dear Deidre

I ONLY found out that my partner was married when his teenage daughter turned up at our house.

I’m 45 and my partner is 48. We’ve been together for 12 years and have a five-year-old son together.

One day I was confronted by a girl demanding to see her dad. My partner came to the door and this girl went mental at him.

My partner then told me the truth – that he was married.

His daughter is 14. I felt betrayed. I keep imagining him and his wife having sex while I was on my own.

That was three months ago. I haven’t slept in his bed since.

DEIDRE SAYS: Being deceived for so long is devastating but it’s going to serve no one, least of all your son, to let your relationship freeze.

Ask him why he kept this secret. It’s no excuse but maybe he was frightened to lose you.

If you can be grown-up about this, the children might even enjoy having a half-sibling.

Ex is back for sex since my overdose

Dear Deidre

I TOOK an overdose when my boyfriend dumped me but he was then very sympathetic and we still have sex.

He’s got another girlfriend though.

I’m 24 and my boyfriend is 25. We were together for a few months two years ago.

We split due to my mood swings and constant paranoia.

I took the split badly and made an attempt on my life. My boyfriend was so supportive and confided in my friend that he was still in love with me.

He got back in touch with me a few months ago and we’ve had sex a few times since.

I know he still cares, but he’s going out with another girl at the moment.
Could he be scared to commit to me because of what I did?

DEIDRE SAYS: Your suicide attempt must have been very scary for your boyfriend.

I hope you are now getting the help you need. Often the underlying problem is your own lack of self-esteem.

And I worry this is leading you to have sex with him even though he has another girlfriend now.

Tell him he has to make a choice and don’t have sex with him again unless he
commits to you.

I’m sending you my e-leaflet on Raising Self-Esteem.

He won’t have sex since baby

Dear Deidre

MY husband hasn’t so much as touched me since I gave birth to our baby boy six months ago.

I am 24 and my husband is two years older.

We have been married for three years and our relationship has always been good – until now.

I have done everything I can possibly think of to initiate sex with him but nothing works.

It is really starting to affect my confidence and I am sure our lack of
closeness will be having a bad effect on our baby.

I am especially worried because he has started coming home late – and always seems keen to get out of the house at every opportunity.

DEIDRE SAYS: Sexual guilt leads some men to find it difficult to link sex with the mother of their child.

Some can’t get the image of childbirth out of their heads or feel guilty about having put you through a painful experience.

But of course you need to talk with him about what’s going on.

Maybe he is also feeling pushed out and rejected.

Then try the tactics in my advice line Sex Play Therapy. Ring 09067 577 162.

Kids ‘forgotten’

Dear Deidre

MY ex has told our children she’s pregnant and I’m worried she will start to neglect them once the baby arrives.

We divorced three years ago. Our children are seven and five and they live with me and my lovely partner most of the time.

My ex has the kids a couple of nights a week but often says she can’t cope.

She’s had many boyfriends since the divorce, and our kids don’t even know the surname of the dad-to-be. Should I insist we meet up to discuss this?

DEIDRE SAYS: Meeting up sounds sensible. But offer extra support rather than accuse her. Is the unborn baby’s dad still about? If so, invite him too.

Haunted by dad’s fling

My man has a secret family

Ex is back for sex since my overdose

He won’t have sex since baby

Kids ‘forgotten’

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